The most common characteristic of alcoholics and addicts is defiance. Seriously, we are defiant and independent people. However, we are defiant to a fault. For most of us, it goes way beyond simply not being a pushover or marching to the beat of our own drum.
For many of us, our defiant streak goes too far. We rebel even against sound advice or good reason. We are so unwilling to follow orders that we even ignore good sense much of the time.
When defiance manifests like this, it can be extremely troublesome. Surely, we can all think of times when our defiance caused us more trouble than it was worth. Learning to cease fighting everything and everyone is a crucial part of breaking this cycle. This is true for almost all alcoholics and addicts.
Defiance vs. Strength: Understanding the Difference
Defiance is normally mistaken for strength, especially amongst us who have had addiction problems. We like to think that being obstinate, opposing authority, and not complying makes us strong. The truth is that real strength is not about fighting everything, it’s knowing when to fight and when to give in.
A fine line exists between independence and self-destruction. Independence allows us to make healthy decisions, establish healthy boundaries, and be responsible for our actions. Defiance will cause us to push away the crucial people and solutions that would be helpful to us. Strength does not lie in opposing everything—it lies in being willing to do what is right even when it is uncomfortable.
When we transmute defiance into resilience, we grow stronger. Instead of pushing recovery away, we embrace it. Instead of pushing help away, we permit it. We no longer see surrender as a weakness but come to recognize it as the gateway to a higher power.
The Relationship Between Defiance and Trauma
For some of us, defiance is not a character flaw—it’s a survival mechanism. If we grew up with instability, abuse, or chaos, defiance may have been the only thing that helped us feel in control. Maybe we learned that we couldn’t trust authority, so we defied it at every turn. Maybe those who were supposed to protect us actually wounded us, so we learned to rely only on ourselves.
But what once protected us may now be blocking us. If we’re constantly in battle mode, we’re never allowing ourselves time to recover. If we fight off assistance, we never get to experience what it feels like to be cared for. If we’re still pushing others away, we never get to experience the ease of connection.
Healing from trauma doesn’t mean we stop protecting ourselves—it means we find new ways to do it. Instead of defiance, we develop discernment. Instead of shutting people out, we choose whom we will let in. Instead of resisting healing, we embrace it as a path to wellness.
The Role of Ego in Defiance and Resistance
Ego is a tricky animal. It makes us believe we don’t need help.
We think we are different from others and have all the answers. In addiction, our ego tells us we’re in charge as everything around us collapses. In recovery, it informs us that we don’t need to listen to our sponsor, work the Steps, or seek help.
The Twelve Steps offer a powerful antidote to ego—humility. Step Three demands that we turn our will over to something larger than ourselves, which means admitting that we’re no longer the boss. Step Four forces us to take a tough, honest look at ourselves and shows us how ego has trapped us in unhealthy patterns.
Letting go of ego does not give us a loss of identity. Just the opposite—it provides us with clarity.
It allows us to see we don’t have to do every fight alone. It makes us alright with the reality that our way didn’t work and opens us up to doing it differently. By letting go of ego, we become open to true transformation.
Defiance and the Twelve Steps
If defiance is so common amongst us, but also so troublesome, what are we to make of it? And why does it vex so many of us?
The recovery literature, often called the Comprehensive Guide of Alcoholics Anonymous, talks a lot about defiance. It also shares what we can do about it. The first step in putting our defiance in its proper place is to accept that we have to work the Twelve Steps. First things first — let’s at least try to curb our defiance long enough to get our lives saved, right?
If we listen to our sponsor’s suggestions and follow the comprehensive guidance of the Big Book, we can ease our defiant streak. We are also taking our first steps into freedom and recovery.
But we must do our best to keep our attitudes out of the way as we work the Twelve Steps. We will want to defy, to do it our way or not do it all.
If we give in to this, we put our lives at grave risk, for we may not find recovery if we resist the Steps. If we follow our sponsor’s advice and the comprehensive guide, we can work the Twelve Steps. If we do this honestly, open-mindedly, and willingly, good things will start happening for us.
Once we’ve made it past the 10th Step, the Comprehensive Book says this: “Love and tolerance of others is our code. And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone — even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned.”
Yes, sanity returns to us in the process of working the Steps. That’s a good enough reason on its own to work the program of recovery, but it’s far from the only benefit. Love and tolerance of others is indeed our code. But suffice to say that we alcoholics and addicts often only learn to be loving and tolerant through working the Twelve Steps.
What about the “we have ceased fighting” part? What exactly does that mean? Let’s dig in.
Cease Fighting
Does ceasing fighting anything and anyone just mean that we quit? Give up? Roll over? Absolutely not!
Ceasing the fight does not mean that we become pushovers or doormats. In fact, the Big Book says that we kneel before none but our higher power.
What this means is that we allow our higher power to take control. We start to accept guidance and instruction. We stop resisting the good forces working through us.
What does it mean to cease fighting alcohol? It means that by working the Twelve Step process continuously, we are put in what’s called the position of neutrality.
This means that we don’t even think about drugs or alcohol anymore — it’s simply something we don’t do. We can stay sober and in recovery without fearing, resisting, or fighting the mental obsession that once troubled us. That’s huge!
But how do we get to this place where we can cease fighting everything and everyone, including drugs and alcohol? The answer might not surprise you, but it is true: we follow the 12-Step program of recovery fully and all the time. The Twelve Steps are the best game in town for living a life of meaningful, happy freedom and recovery. However, there are some other things we can keep in mind to help us with this goal as we work the Steps.
Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean we just let everything happen to us and we never change anything. That’s apathy.
Acceptance simply means that we accept things as they are, people as they are, and situations as they are. We let things be what they are, understanding that the only thing we can ever profoundly change is ourselves. We still take action and have goals, but acceptance helps us see the truth.
In recovery, it often means we ceased fighting anyone or anything—choosing peace over resistance. It allows us to make changes where we can, which is within ourselves.
Open-Mindedness
Keeping an open mind doesn’t mean that we are wishy-washy or susceptible to everything we hear. But it does mean that we listen intently to advice and guidance, consider it carefully, and take it to counsel with our higher power.
Open-mindedness means being willing to listen to suggestions and advice that are meant to help us. We don’t need to follow everyone’s advice to be open-minded. However, we can get into trouble if we aren’t open-minded about our higher power and our sponsor.
We should be open to hearing others’ ideas. We need to avoid rejecting advice that could save our lives.
If doing everything our own way had ever worked, we wouldn’t need the 12-Steps. But we do, so maybe doing it all our own way isn’t always the best bet.
Handling Conflict in Sobriety Without Fighting
Just because we get clean and sober doesn’t mean we automatically become experts at handling conflict. Most of us often act on impulse—get defensive, blow up, or shut down. Ending the fighting doesn’t mean never having conflict again, but it does mean learning to deal with it in a healthy way.
Some essential tools for handling conflict in recovery:
- Pause before reacting – Take a moment to think about your response before reacting.
- Check your motives – Are you trying to prove a point, or do you actually want a resolution?
- Listen first – Try to hear what the other person is saying instead of preparing your argument.
- Set boundaries – You do not have to engage in every argument. Some fights are not worth the effort.
- Use “I” statements – Instead of blaming, discuss your experience and feelings.
Daily Practices to Reinforce Acceptance and Open-Mindedness
Ceasing to fight isn’t a one-time decision—it’s a daily practice. Here are some ways to reinforce acceptance and open-mindedness every day:
- Morning Reflection – Start each day by asking, “What am I resisting today? Where can I be more open?”
- Journaling – Write where defiance appeared and how you handled it.
- Prayer or Meditation – Spend time linking to your higher power and working on surrender.
- Service Work – Helping others takes our mind off our own struggles. It also reminds us of the bigger picture.
- Step Work – Continuously working the Steps keeps us grounded in humility and growth.
- Accountability – Check in with a sponsor or trusted friend to discuss where defiance may be creeping back in.
- Gratitude Practice – Focusing on what we’re grateful for helps us stay open to life rather than fighting against it.
Recovery is not perfection. It’s willingness. Willingness to listen. Willingness to learn. Willingness to let go of the fights that no longer serve us.
At Jaywalker, we believe in the power of the Twelve Steps and the 12-Step program of recovery. This is the base for everything we do at Jaywalker. For many of us, it is the foundation of our personal lives. We believe in the Twelve Steps because they help us.
We were once in the same place as you. We worked hard to recover and deal with alcoholism and addiction. Now, thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12-Step program, we live meaningful, happy, and free lives.
We want to share this lifestyle with you. No matter your background or how often you’ve struggled, we believe Jaywalker can help you. It can change your life and support your recovery.
If you’re prepared to start anew, Jaywalker is here to assist you. Reach out to us now at (866) 445-1269.
