Being Honest

honestyWhen I was little, my go to addiction was lying, before drugs, before any mood-altering substances, my addiction was to lie. I loved it, it gave me a feeling of power, some form of control over people and things I didn’t normally have. And so it progressed.  As soon as I started using mood-altering substances, my lying became outrageous. Each lie a little more far-fetched. Each lie I had to keep track of in my head, lie upon lie, collecting. The time came when I couldn’t remember what lie I told to what person, but at that point I just didn’t care. I was told when I entered the recovery, that when someone has alcoholism, and you take away the drugs and alcohol, you still have the “isms”. That was true in this situation, I stopped using drugs and alcohol, but the lying was still there.

When I came into Jaywalker Lodge, my whole reality was based upon lies. I even started to believe my own lies, I had told that lie so many times, I believed it. With my counselor, therapists, and fellow addicts, I started to work on my honesty. I tried my hardest to catch the lie before it came out, and if I couldn’t do that, I would do a 10th step, and promptly admit that I was wrong.

I recently took a trip back to my hometown of Denver and was faced with the opportunity to lie, or be honest. Looking back, there were pro’s and con’s to both. Having started to live a spiritual program, and living the spiritual principal of honesty, I was able to be honest. I went to Denver in order to right my wrongs and appear in court. When I got there, the Assistant District Attorney called me into her office and presented me with the facts of my case. The charge was going to violate my bond, and she could not offer me a better deal. I was already aware of these facts, so I took it in stride. I had done what I did in the past, and now was the time for me to right that wrong. Through a series of events, she noticed that my address was in Carbondale, and no loner a Denver address, she asked me why that was. At least 50 lies popped into my head immediately, about how I could manipulate her. But I told here the truth. I came clean about a DUI and drug related charges that I had been charged with. I let her know that I did a 30 day program in Estes Park, CO, and chose to participate in an aftercare program. Little did I know I would sign myself up for aftercare, even after Jaywalker Lodge. So I told her what I was doing now, that I was in Jaywalker “U” and that I was learning how to go to school and achieve a degree while staying clean and sober. Her jaw had dropped about 30 seconds into me talking, and when I finished she thanked me for being honest and respectful. “No one does that,” she said and proceeded to offer me a deal. She said that since I had been so honest and respectful, and that I understood that she was just doing her job, she knocked some charges down and she said she wouldn’t violate me on my bond. This was when I realized, that no matter the situation, being honest will always outweigh lying. For the first time in a long time, I felt good about being honest, I felt like I was making progress, and that plays a huge part in being honest.

I’m getting better at being honest, and the fact that I am more than capable of being honest in any situation gives me confidence to do it again. Without honesty, there is no recovery. As soon as I am honest in all parts of my life, the door labeled recovery opens up to me, and I keep opening that door more and more, each time I am honest.

Nate

Jaywalker U Student

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