Jaywalker Lodge Outpatient Program – Moab Expeditions

Jaywalker Lodge Outpatient Program – Moab Expeditions

From the first time I rolled into Moab, Utah years ago as an Outpatient client, I remember feeling anundeniable sense of awe that I had never felt before in my life.  The colors of the orange sand and blue sky, the arid smell of desert air, and sounds of four-wheelers revving their engines had me feeling electric.  It was like I woke up in the middle of a John Wayne movie.  I sat in the car fantasizing about Indians, cowboys, bandits, uranium, and gun powder.

Just 6 months prior to this trip I was back in Texas hopelessly addicted to crystal methamphetamine. I was homeless, buried in debt, and reaching new bottoms on a daily basis.  As I sat in the car in Moab, I felt grateful that I was no longer where I was, but I was still scared because I knew gratitude wasn’t enough to keep me clean and sober.  Even with six months of sobriety, the harsh realities of my life were still staring me in the face.  My family was devastated, my emotions were hard to keep in check, and my recovery was in a very vulnerable state.   I had been six months sober before, I had gone to treatment in the past, I had worked some steps and attended meetings, and I had seen my family’s hopes for me build only to be crushed. My brief recovery was (like the AA Big Book says) “followed always by a still worse relapse.”

In treatment you often hear the question thrown around “What’s going to be different this time?” I absolutely hate this question.  I hate this question because it implies that an addict like me will magically be able to muster up enough resolve to suddenly stop using substances and start changing my behavior even though all of the evidence in my life shows me that these are precisely the things I can’t do on my own power.  Eventually I found myself answering this question with statements like, “I don’t know, I have no idea what’s going to be any different this time.”

Come to find out this was my way of expressing the principle of surrender because I couldn’t articulate it any other way at the time.  Surrender was one thing that I had never fully demonstrated.  I had never taken suggestions that I believed to be inconvenient, I had never followed through with my commitments, and I had always argued why I was right and why you were wrong, and I kept getting loaded time and time again. At Jaywalker I finally realized that if I continued doing the things I was doing, I was going to keep getting what I had been getting.  So this meant it was time for me to start doing everything differently than I had done before.